Fading Reflection

Behind me is the mirror of my soul

If I’m ever unsure of what’s ahead of me,

or feeling unsteady,

I can lean back on the mirror

Lean back into my own back*

and keep myself from falling.

It may be lonely like this

but I know I will always be there

to make sure I don’t fall.

I will be my own

constant companion until I die.

.

~

.

An offer,

someone says

they will give me support,

that I don’t have to be the only one

to lean on;

that life doesn’t have to be that way.

That if I ever feel I will fall backwards

I can trust.

.

Opening up the floodgates

of memory and emotion.

Removing my filter

per the request of wanting to see the real me.

Getting ready to spill,

I think I’m somewhere safe.

.

With the initial rush of water

all is fine,

for a while all is swell

in my eyes.

but the force of my flood

knocked back the open hand

and no longer made this

a safe place.

.

~

.

As the water begins to drain

I start to realize

that the water did more than that.

When I lean back now

I no longer feel

the reflective lake at my back.

.

The time where the land

was covered in water

created a new world

where the promises of the old world

no longer hold true.

.

Searching my pockets

I begin to grasp at the leads of my pet goats

and realize that they are all

out in the open for all to see.**

.

They were meandering

across the land,

where the owner

of the knocked back hand

can see them.

.

~

.

At first she called their names

as jokes.

But as the hand was knocked back,

they began to seem less like jokes to me

and more like digs at my identity.

.

Each leashed goat

is an aspect of myself

I struggled hard to find

and tie down to trot out

when people ask me to define myself.

.

I need to find my goats

before they are mocked by the common passersby

who think it is okay

just because she does it.

.

~

.

Leaning backwards

is not something I do now.

When I look forwards

I search the horizon for goat roundup.

There is no secret reflection of me anymore,

now that lake is gone.

There is only my own two feet

which will hopefully keep me

from falling backwards now that

my reflected self is gone.

________________________________

*Picture I’m talking about

**Idiom referenced

♫ : I wrote this while listening to Daughter’s song Medicine from the EP The Wild Youth.

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